Hey there. It’s Steven writing you. Look I know you don’t got too much time to listen to one lowly guy like me what with you needing to think up sweet new jingles and all. But I thought I drop you a line regarding your latest product rollout.

First, some background. I’m a male, 26, who likes sports, barbeques, and buying consumer products. I am your demographic. I’m a down-to-earth eater who likes nothing more then heading out to local establishments to try a sample of their fares.  With the responsibility of being your key demographic I feel it is my job, nay, my duty to send up a warning flare when you begin to veer off course.

I’m speaking of course of your bohemoths that you’re trying to call “burgers.” You know the one’s I’m talking about. These ones.

Like three of the four horsemen of the Apocalypse these monstrosties have come sweeping through the land, leaving devestation in their wake. I can’t even fathom how many wooley mammoths you guys had to slaughter to come up with bacon so thick, women round the world have abandoned their rape whistles and mace and instead just carry one of these bricks of flesh so that they can senselessly bludgeon any hapless would-be attacker.

Oh and the commercials are even worse! You guys show the burgers. No problem. Looks tasty. Then from out of the sky like a plague from the Almighty come these 2×4s that land with a resounding thud on the burgers. I almost wonder if the marketing guys weren’t too keen on the whole slabs of pig legs all over the food and so they tried to make it as unappealing as possible. They used HUGE sides of bacon, like Tinker Toy logs or something, and then they put it into super slow motion so that we the viewer could see every greasy detail as the bacon flopped on the burger like a freshly landed trout. It’s like they’re saying, “Look. We’ve done our due dilengence trying to throw up the red flags here but if you’re still intent on consuming this heart attack on a bun, it’s your funeral.”

Come on Chili’s! Let go back to the way things were huh? How about some “Baby back baby back baby back” for old time’s sake? You’ve got it in you, I know you do but you have got to ditch these suckers like a bad prom date. Take it from me. I’m your demographic.