Pyrite n.The mineral pyrite, or iron pyrite, is iron sulfide, FeS2. It has isometric crystals that usually appear as cubes. The cube faces may be striated (parallel lines on crystal surface or cleavage face) as a result of alternation of the cube and pyritohedron faces. It is brittle, meaning it breaks or powders easily. Its metallic luster and pale-to-normal, brass-yellow hue have earned it the nickname fool’s gold due to many miners mistaking it for gold.

You know, we really should have known better given that the name of the movie was “Fool’s Gold” It’s in the friggin title that this movie is a fake, a fraud, a dupe, a shoddy imitation of a movie with pyritohedron faces. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

 So Laurie’s (Mother-in-Law for all you new readers) in town and we knew that we wanted to spend time together and so we thought, “Hey let’s go engage in America’s Pastime! No not throwing stuff off of bridges! A cinematic adventure!” Ah we were so innocent then. We decided that we would go see the latest comedy starring Kate Hudson and Matthew McHounegy(don’t care enough to spell his name right) I mean how could we go wrong? You’ve got an idllyic setting and the comedic stylings of the Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan of our generation. Well if Tom Hanks was ripped and could bench a Volvo. So we all piled into Teyshaun and headed off to the local movie viewing place. (Yes our car’s name is Teyshaun. And yes it’s for the reasons you are thinking of. And yes he makes other cars feel jealous.) Being the gentleman I offered to pay for the three of us but Laurie insisted and I let her. In retrospect that was the best decision I made all night.   

 Because friends let me just get to it. Fool’s Gold is awful, plain and simple. As the movie paraded before me, I was cursing inwardly that my eyes could see so well behind my brand new glasses that every detail of this movie’s suckiness was presented in it’s perfectly terrible condition. No fuziness. No blurring round the edges. I saw everything and felt my soul slowly dying.

 The premise is simple enough. Man finds piece of treasure. Man loses girl in nasty divorce. Man convinces girl to find treasure with him. Everybody happy. Throw in a bad guy and Donald Sutherland and seriously money in the bank. What the studio didn’t plan on was apparently the writer’s strike happened just before the start of shooting and the whole cast said, “Screw it! We’re actors! We don’t need dialogue or a script or a plot! I’ve got chiseled abs!” And thusly they ploughed on ahead and did their due diligence in giving us this pile of turd. It meandered through the whole story stopping only briefly to attempt to tug at our heartstrings with a subplot of the daddy millionaire and his dumb-as-bricks daughter trying to mend their broken relationship. Sniff. Touching.

 I’m trying to figure out who’s performance was the worst. There were so many to choose from. First off. Malcom Jamal Warner was a henchman. Theo. From the Crosby’s. Yes. THAT Malcom Jamal Warner. And for the bad guy? I mean THE bad man that we are supposed to hate? Kevin Hart. Remember him? From Soul Plane? How could he stoop so low? Even Donald Sutherland’s Cockney accent sounded like he was gargling marbles.

 And then to make this experience complete, they decided to throw in random parts of graphic goodness and try to play it off for comedic value. I’ll give you an example and it’s basically the ending of the movie so if even after all this you still want to see this disaster please by all means look away now. So the buried treasure is in a blowhole off the coast. The waves come in a shoot 40 feet out this hole. Of course there’s a bad guy who gets trapped down in the water and gets shot out through the blow hole. Now, sane people would have shown him flying out of the hole and landing crotch first on a coconut tree cause that’s hilarious (Note to Hollywood people, don’t even try taking that shot, I already trademarked it suckers) INSTEAD they show red water come spewing out of the blow hole!!! Disgusting!! And then you get the reaction shots of everyone else like he had just hit his cash and prizes on a coconut tree instead of being torn into bits by the raging tide. And I swear when the director’s cut comes out they’re going to add a scene right after that of a random black person saying “Dayumn!” or something like that. Just odd.

And so dear readers, let me please save you the time, money and cornea health by telling you Do not see this movie. I’ll even go one further and for you budding movie critics I’ll give you your pun-filled headline for your review. Thankfully this one’s pretty easy. Uh let’s see, “Fooled by Fool’s Gold” or “Don’t be a fool and see Fool’s Gold” or maybe “Fool’s Gold sucked and should never see the light of day ever again and whoever worked on it, with it or even around it should be ashamed of themselves. Shame. Shame on you.” Well that last headline may need some tweaking but you get the idea.

 That’s my two cents.